i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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