Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
