my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
