You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
