I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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