last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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