I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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