Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
