Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
