It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
