the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize