I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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