mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize