my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
