im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
