Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize