I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
