i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
