i'm lost and i look like a hooker
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
