I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Randomize
