I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
