apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
