Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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