i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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