I hate all girls vehemently.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
