Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize