Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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