He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
