FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
