he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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