I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
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