we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I met the friendliest cop last night
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
