Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
