I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
