Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
