I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
