I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
