pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
