I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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