lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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