So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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