1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
