I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
