I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
