Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
