Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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