i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
