did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
