You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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