i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
