I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
