You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
