So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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