I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
