If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
