Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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