Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
